they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
