Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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