Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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