I intend to get homeless drunk
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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