I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
