i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
