and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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