you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
