I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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