The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
