Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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