did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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