take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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