***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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