Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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