You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
