I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I pour the whiskey from now on
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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