Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
