Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
