it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He better not be in your backpack
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
