i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
