just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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