If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
