just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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