I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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