I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
