i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize