well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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