Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
