My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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