Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
they need to just BURY HIM!
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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