i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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