these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
