she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
