Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
