I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
