so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
