i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
