My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
