chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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