How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
