Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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