I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
