I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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