This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
