My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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