Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
