i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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