the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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