Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I need to calm my uterus...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I wear drunk well.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
