i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
