I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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