Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
