I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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