I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
