my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
