i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Randomize
