Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i think i scared a bird with my dick
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
