I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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