I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
