this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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